My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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