I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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