You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
