He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
