did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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