So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
well you can't waste a boner
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
