omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
false alarm. still invincible.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
