I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
