i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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