happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
