i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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