I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
