I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
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He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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