Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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