I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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