True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I could make wine with my vomit
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
