At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
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She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
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He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm always down for nudity.
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