I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
