You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
