i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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