This is not my ceiling
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
