I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
