They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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