Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
