final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
All the doctor said was why
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
