Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Found your dick twin last night
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
