My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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