he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
