I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
