The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
