can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
