Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The uberlube is also flammable
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
