I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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