Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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