I think i peed on brittanys purse
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
