Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
