the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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