so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I could fuck to npr.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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