I accidentally burped into my bong.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
