So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
