It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
