captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
