i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
