last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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