So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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