I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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