I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
