i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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