Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
