tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
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