hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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