I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
