sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
