Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
