Old men and throwing up are my life now.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
