Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
