Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
