I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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