We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
